| 1. | Last American Who Knew What The f**k He Was Doing Dies | 6 Oct 11, 17:51 | 946 | 145 |
| 2. | GOP Completely Fixes Economy By Canceling Funding For NPR | 6 Apr 11, 12:35 | 818 | 586 |
| 3. | Obama Turns 50 Despite Republican Opposition | 4 Aug 11, 21:23 | 705 | 91 |
| 4. | Afterbirthers Demand To See Obama's Placenta | 19 Apr 11, 23:58 | 610 | 116 |
| 5. | California To Release All Prisoners Who Seem Nice Enough | 12 Jun 11, 12:24 | 504 | 97 |
| 6. | 114-Year-Old Attributes Longevity to Sheer Random Chance. | 9 May 11, 18:42 | 452 | 59 |
| 7. | Obama Proposes Tax Increase On Meanest 2% Of Population | 14 Aug 11, 10:04 | 403 | 143 |
| 8. | Sometimes The Onion gets it just right | 13 Jul 11, 13:00 | 334 | 40 |
| 9. | HP Unveils Non-Computer For Those Who Don't Need A Computer | 17 May 11, 12:14 | 332 | 52 |
| 10. | How To Get A Guy To Notice You While You're Having Sex With Him | 13 Apr 11, 14:02 | 329 | 35 |
| 11. | Other Guy Named Osama Bin Laden Can Finally Relax. | 10 May 11, 17:57 | 326 | 28 |
| 12. | Congress Hires Drummer | 13 Jun 11, 01:23 | 315 | 23 |
| 13. | NASA Completes 52-Year Mission To Find & Kill God | 24 Feb 11, 12:47 | 313 | 71 |
| 14. | Final Minutes Of Last Harry Potter Movie To Be Split Into Seven Separate Films | 25 May 11, 13:09 | 309 | 31 |
| 15. | Bodybuilder Can\u2019t Believe He Forgot To Develop His Right Arm [PIC] | 13 Aug 11, 19:22 | 309 | 61 |
| 16. | Woman Excited To Finally Experience Unbearable Loneliness Of Having Her Own Place | 30 Jul 11, 17:27 | 298 | 42 |
| 17. | Thousands Turn Out For Empire State Building's Annual No-Hassle Suicide Day | 16 Jun 11, 23:55 | 297 | 28 |
| 18. | Kamikaze Swimmers Finally Reach Pearl Harbor [PIC] | 20 Aug 11, 21:50 | 275 | 16 |
| 19. | Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex | 19 May 11, 17:25 | 274 | 109 |
| 20. | Embarrassed Republicans Admit They've Been Thinking Of Eisenhower Whole Time They've Be... | 21 Feb 11, 19:13 | 262 | 15 |
| 21. | Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish (Video) | 23 Mar 11, 13:34 | 259 | 24 |
| 22. | BREAKING: Enraged 500-Foot Bin Laden Emerges From Sea | 26 May 11, 15:23 | 259 | 52 |
| 23. | Embarrassed Republicans Admit They've Been Thinking Of Eisenhower Whole Time They've Be... | 22 Feb 11, 13:21 | 240 | 32 |
| 24. | FBI Director Sheepishly Admits Agency Hasn't Solved Single Crime In 10 Years | 8 Apr 11, 15:52 | 238 | 28 |
| 25. | What Are We Lying To Our Children About? | 13 Jun 11, 08:47 | 232 | 13 |
| 26. | Study: All American Problems Could Be Solved By Just Stopping And Thinking For Two Seconds | 31 May 11, 12:43 | 219 | 15 |
| 27. | Microsoft Word Now Includes Squiggly Blue Line To Alert Writer When Word Is Too Advanced For Main... | 22 Mar 11, 17:43 | 214 | 40 |
| 28. | Remains Of Ancient Race Of Job Creators Found In Rust Belt | 31 Oct 11, 21:38 | 209 | 7 |
| 29. | Gorgeous 25-Year-Old Dead At 79 | 24 Mar 11, 17:58 | 204 | 9 |
| 30. | Budget Mix-Up Provides Nation's Schools With Enough Money To Properly Educate Students | 10 May 11, 12:11 | 202 | 38 |
| 31. | Middle-Class Suburbanites Fail to See Irony in Their Lives | 15 Jun 11, 14:09 | 200 | 24 |
| 32. | National Dating Standards Lowered | 3 Jun 11, 08:21 | 199 | 9 |
| 33. | Study: Alligators Dangerous No Matter How Drunk You Are | 29 Jun 11, 08:32 | 199 | 6 |
| 34. | Nation's Climatologists Exhibiting Strange Behavior | 28 Jul 11, 21:14 | 199 | 20 |
| 35. | Catherine Zeta-Jones Happy To See People On Internet Would Still Hit That | 7 Jun 11, 10:03 | 198 | 11 |
| 36. | 9/11 Memorial Curators Decide Not To Display Swastika Formed By Twisted Girders | 9 Sep 11, 22:15 | 198 | 14 |
| 37. | Visa Exposed As Massive Credit Card Scam | 16 Aug 11, 00:01 | 197 | 13 |
| 38. | Disgusted Supreme Court Can't Believe It Has To Rule Having Sex With American Flag Protected... | 14 Jun 11, 11:58 | 196 | 25 |
| 39. | PETA Protests Use Of Chickens To Randomly Pick Oscar Winners | 25 Feb 11, 11:46 | 195 | 32 |
| 40. | Drunk Pilot Going To Pull Over Onto Cloud Until He Sobers Up A Little | 16 Jul 11, 22:25 | 194 | 19 |
| 41. | U.S. To Just Hand Terry Jones Over To Fundamentalist Muslims | 7 Apr 11, 17:37 | 193 | 201 |
| 42. | Obama Earns Money For U.S. By Appearing In Japanese Television Commercial | 8 Sep 11, 14:32 | 193 | 17 |
| 43. | Report: Caucasians Will Soon Be A Minority In Their Own Goddamn Country | 10 Nov 11, 18:41 | 190 | 56 |
| 44. | High School Fuckup Now In Charge Of Checking Airport Luggage For Explosives | 20 May 11, 19:08 | 189 | 14 |
| 45. | Bachmann: Somebody's Got to Save This Country From Certain Doom, And Let's Face It, Tha... | 16 Aug 11, 12:42 | 189 | 46 |
| 46. | PSA: Ben Stiller Speaks Out Against Shaken Manchild Syndrome | 18 Mar 11, 14:50 | 188 | 10 |
| 47. | If The Onion Is Not Awarded A Pulitzer Prize Within The Next Year, I Will Murder 50 People | 27 Jun 11, 00:27 | 186 | 24 |
| 48. | Live: Congress Debates New Sex-Based American Dreams. | 13 May 11, 19:48 | 185 | 4 |
| 49. | Planet Earth Doesn't Know How To Make It Any Clearer It Wants Everyone To Leave | 2 Jun 11, 20:22 | 185 | 30 |
| 50. | American Voices: Weiner Can't Say Photo Isn\u2019t Of Him | 4 Jun 11, 17:23 | 183 | 16 |
| 51. | What Are We Yelling At Our Children's Graduation? | 5 Jun 11, 02:38 | 183 | 14 |
| 52. | God Urges Rick Perry Not To Run For President | 22 Jul 11, 02:21 | 182 | 32 |
| 53. | Community Devastated By Sight Of Old Man Struggling To Walk Up Steps | 11 Sep 11, 18:09 | 181 | 2 |
| 54. | TSA Screeners Steal $160K | 21 Feb 11, 23:11 | 180 | 10 |
| 55. | Mitt Romney Haunted By Past Of Trying To Help Uninsured Sick People | 22 Apr 11, 22:03 | 180 | 32 |
| 56. | 'Under New Management' Banner Heralds Bold New Era For Cell Phone Store | 18 Sep 11, 01:43 | 180 | 11 |
| 57. | President's Approval Rating Soars After Punching Wall Street Banker in Face | 12 Oct 11, 21:19 | 180 | 31 |
| 58. | First-Ever Gay 'Dear John' Letters Begin Reaching U.S. Troops Overseas | 21 Sep 11, 21:01 | 177 | 6 |
| 59. | New GOP Strategy Involves Reelecting Obama, Making His Life Even More Miserable | 10 Aug 11, 21:03 | 176 | 70 |
| 60. | Maple Syrup Reactors Safe, Canadian Prime Minister Reassures | 27 May 11, 12:34 | 175 | 7 |
| 61. | Biden Calls Dibs On Qaddafi's Clothes | 7 Apr 11, 12:00 | 174 | 9 |
| 62. | Disney Raises Theme Park Admission (Again) | 16 Jun 11, 13:00 | 173 | 26 |
| 63. | Voice Inside Cheering Libyan Rebel's Head: 'Oh, Fuck, Now What?' | 25 Aug 11, 14:01 | 172 | 11 |
| 64. | New Apple CEO Tim Cook: 'I'm Thinking Printers' | 26 Aug 11, 03:31 | 170 | 42 |
| 65. | Obama Makes It Through Another Day Of Resisting Urge To Launch All U.S. Nuclear Weapons At Once | 12 May 11, 13:27 | 167 | 27 |
| 66. | Just Give Us The Damn Pulitzer Already | 26 Jun 11, 13:05 | 167 | 9 |
| 67. | Circus Train Wreck Not Funny, Investigators Emphasize | 2 Sep 11, 01:30 | 167 | 7 |
| 68. | Where Did We Go On Our First Date? | 18 Sep 11, 12:37 | 166 | 3 |
| 69. | Pope Vows To Crack Down On Crime In Vatican City Slum | 31 May 11, 17:35 | 163 | 11 |
| 70. | Lonely Teacher, Outcast Student Begin Somewhat Endearing Sexual Relationship | 20 Aug 11, 18:42 | 163 | 17 |
| 71. | Nation Finally Breaks Down And Begs Its Smart People To Just Fix Everything | 28 Oct 11, 02:06 | 162 | 68 |
| 72. | Tornado Victims Thank News Organization For Its In-Depth Reporting On Storm's Carnage | 21 Jun 11, 18:22 | 161 | 1 |
| 73. | Toy Prepares Child To One Day Pull Around Real Telephone On Wheels (PIC) | 25 Sep 11, 15:14 | 160 | 3 |
| 74. | Burger King Introduces New Healthy Deep-Steamed French Fries | 30 Sep 11, 20:21 | 159 | 10 |
| 75. | Many Doctors Say It's 'High' Time To Legalize Marijuana | 8 Sep 11, 12:31 | 158 | 5 |
| 76. | Fiscally I'm A Right-Wing Nutjob, But On Social Issues I'm Fucking Insanely Liberal | 20 May 11, 06:19 | 157 | 20 |
| 77. | Man Somehow Overcomes Alcoholism Without Jesus | 19 Aug 11, 16:49 | 157 | 46 |
| 78. | Rare Species Of Frog May Hold Cure To...Ah, Never Mind, It's Extinct | 14 May 11, 12:34 | 156 | 9 |
| 79. | First National Bank Announces: 'Suckers, We're Keeping All the Money' | 8 Aug 11, 17:22 | 155 | 11 |
| 80. | Shelby Cross Takes On Public Indecency By Videotaping Teens Having Sex | 1 Sep 11, 16:50 | 155 | 5 |
| 81. | Shaggy Dog Too Late to Cheer Up Dying Boy | 19 Jun 11, 22:28 | 153 | 15 |
| 82. | Republicans Praise Nixon Administration For Allowing Qaddafi To Rule Libya So He Could One Day Be... | 26 Aug 11, 15:47 | 153 | 36 |
| 83. | Handmade Anti-Obama Sign Currently Frontrunner For Republican Presidential Nomination | 9 Jun 11, 08:23 | 152 | 17 |
| 84. | Drunken Ben Bernanke Tells Everyone At Neighborhood Bar How Screwed U.S. Economy Really Is | 3 Aug 11, 19:48 | 152 | 32 |
| 85. | Distressed Nation Turns To Poet Laureate For Solace | 20 Sep 11, 12:21 | 152 | 0 |
| 86. | Area Man Guesses He Doesn't Need MC Lyte Wikipedia Page Open Anymore | 22 Aug 11, 01:52 | 151 | 6 |
| 87. | Nation's Celebrities Not Famous Enough, Publicists Agree | 23 Aug 11, 03:26 | 151 | 1 |
| 88. | Bruce Springsteen Releases New Sci-Fi Concept Album About Struggles Of Poor Miners Working On Mars | 14 Sep 11, 23:33 | 151 | 9 |
| 89. | New Legislation Would Shut Down U.S. Education System, Give Each American Student $3,000 To Start... | 18 Oct 11, 14:28 | 151 | 23 |
| 90. | FDA To Increase Recommended Dosage Of Acetaminophen For Children Who Can Handle Their Shit | 6 Jun 11, 19:01 | 150 | 21 |
| 91. | Kansas Outlaws Practice Of Evolution | 1 Jul 11, 18:19 | 150 | 12 |
| 92. | New Low-Calorie Sheep Bred To Combat Wolf Obesity [audio] | 5 Oct 11, 03:11 | 150 | 4 |
| 93. | Local Harlot Exposes Face, Neck | 23 Aug 11, 10:24 | 148 | 4 |
| 94. | Ethicists Update List Of Acceptable Things To Masturbate To | 19 Apr 11, 20:13 | 147 | 20 |
| 95. | Obama Befriends Rich Elderly Widow In Hopes She'll Put Nation In Her Will. | 4 May 11, 23:07 | 147 | 17 |
| 96. | Economic Update: Dow Futures Plunge On News That Bill Loughlin Has Entered Sears Express Checkout... | 20 Sep 11, 14:41 | 147 | 3 |
| 97. | Scientists Baffled By Man's Incredible Ability To Fuck Up Every Time | 9 Mar 11, 05:28 | 146 | 31 |
| 98. | FBI Uncovers Largest Credit Card Scam In History After Raiding Visa Headquarters | 21 Aug 11, 11:54 | 146 | 4 |
| 99. | Amish Teen Spends Entire Rumspringa At Apple Store | 25 Sep 11, 13:26 | 146 | 4 |
| 100. | U.S. Quietly Slips Out Of Afghanistan In Dead Of Night | 19 Jul 11, 05:32 | 144 | 59 |
| 101. | Bachmann Says Unexplained Blackouts From Which She Wakes Up Covered In Blood Won't Affect Ab... | 28 Jul 11, 01:31 | 144 | 17 |
| 102. | Bro, You're A God Among Bros | 16 Aug 11, 23:23 | 144 | 10 |
| 103. | Man Born With Stupid, Goddamn Face You Just Want To Punch | 6 Oct 11, 08:02 | 144 | 10 |
| 104. | Fire Consumes Big Happy Farm Where Families Send Sick Dogs To Run Free And Play | 4 Jun 11, 21:35 | 143 | 12 |
| 105. | Prick Veterinarian Keeps Dachshund Waiting In Empty Lobby For 45 Minutes | 19 Jun 11, 06:43 | 142 | 16 |
| 106. | Shaken Secretary Of Transportation Reduces Speed Limit To 5 MPH After Witnessing Accident | 10 Oct 11, 02:50 | 141 | 7 |
| 107. | Nation's 10-Year-Old Boys: 'If You See Someone Raping Us, Please Call The Police' | 29 Nov 11, 07:02 | 141 | 13 |
| 108. | U.S. Commemorates 9/11 By Toasting Stable Afghan Government From Top Of Freedom Tower | 14 Sep 11, 18:10 | 139 | 56 |
| 109. | Civilization Will Hold Off On Having Any More Kids For A While | 3 Oct 11, 20:05 | 139 | 7 |
| 110. | Domino's Introduces Thanksgiving Feast Pizza | 24 Nov 11, 19:50 | 139 | 14 |
| 111. | Area Teen Smoking Like He's Been To Fucking War Or Something | 18 Sep 11, 22:21 | 138 | 14 |
| 112. | U.N. Evicted From Headquarters | 21 Apr 11, 07:10 | 137 | 6 |
| 113. | New Robot Warns When Someone's About To Walk In On You Masturbating | 21 Nov 11, 21:48 | 137 | 14 |
| 114. | 'America's Most Wanted' Canceled | 18 Jun 11, 04:00 | 135 | 11 |
| 115. | Previous Pulitzer Winners: 'Feels So Hollow Knowing There Are Far More Deserving Institution... | 21 Jun 11, 07:13 | 135 | 5 |
| 116. | Last Male Heir To Bloodline Watches Movie Alone On Laptop | 24 Jul 11, 06:40 | 135 | 10 |
| 117. | Vatican Reverses Stance On Gay Marriage After Meeting Tony And Craig | 14 Jul 11, 21:52 | 134 | 20 |
| 118. | Rupert Murdoch Worried He Might Have Damaged Heretofore Perfect Reputation | 26 Jul 11, 05:26 | 133 | 6 |
| 119. | Man In Coma Enters GOP Race, Already Polling Ahead Of Romney | 18 Oct 11, 02:36 | 133 | 51 |
| 120. | Al-Qaeda Claims U.S. Mass Transportation Infrastructure Must Drastically Improve Before Any Terro... | 30 Jul 11, 13:45 | 132 | 27 |
| 121. | How Are We Deterring Thieves? | 14 Aug 11, 18:17 | 132 | 11 |
| 122. | Failing U.S. Economy No Reason At All To Stop Investing In Print Media, All Experts Agree | 1 Sep 11, 04:10 | 132 | 4 |
| 123. | GOP Debate Concludes With Candidates Wrestling Squealing Pig To Ground & Slaughtering It - VIDEO | 13 Nov 11, 19:58 | 130 | 5 |
| 124. | Onion News Network Is The Loudest Voice In News | 10 Aug 11, 00:18 | 127 | 7 |
| 125. | Straight, Gay Service Members Looking Forward To Asking, Telling Come September | 13 Aug 11, 01:03 | 127 | 10 |
| 126. | Update: Bruce Springsteen's Sci-Fi Concept Album 'Red Dust' Debuts At No. 1 On iTunes | 17 Sep 11, 23:07 | 127 | 1 |
| 127. | Osama Bin Laden Killed While Sitting On Toilet, Nation Likes To Imagine | 4 May 11, 10:02 | 126 | 10 |
| 128. | DHS Announces Racial Profiling Free-For-All This Sept. 11 | 23 Aug 11, 19:55 | 126 | 45 |
| 129. | History Channel Treating Invention Of Popcorn Like It's Fucking Penicillin | 3 Jun 11, 23:07 | 125 | 14 |
| 130. | Domino's Scientists Test Limits Of What Humans Will Eat | 5 May 11, 12:20 | 124 | 14 |
| 131. | Violent Death Of Human Being Terrific News For Once | 3 May 11, 22:52 | 123 | 37 |
| 132. | Bill Watterson Writes, Illustrates, Shreds New 'Calvin And Hobbes' Strip Each Morning O... | 31 Aug 11, 15:20 | 123 | 11 |
| 133. | Hip New Alternative Band Has One-Word, One-Syllable Name | 24 Jul 11, 19:28 | 121 | 3 |
| 134. | Longtime Coffee Shop Employee Thought Customers Would Care More About His Last Day | 3 Oct 11, 01:04 | 118 | 1 |
| 135. | Bank Executives On 15th Floor Gambling On Which Occupy Wall Street Protester Will Be Arrested Next | 8 Nov 11, 14:00 | 118 | 31 |
| 136. | Report: Male Hair Loss 7 Times More Painful Than Childbirth | 24 Aug 11, 08:14 | 117 | 13 |
| 137. | Mom And Dad, I'm Gay And Also Stronger Than Both Of You, So Don't Try Any Shit | 27 Jul 11, 02:57 | 116 | 48 |
| 138. | The White Nation Will Never Resume Its Rightful Place Until One Of Us Learns How To Make A Decent... | 4 May 11, 18:34 | 114 | 42 |
| 139. | Why Are We Skipping Church? [IMG] | 17 Aug 11, 10:54 | 111 | 15 |
| 140. | Whiny, Selfish 8-Year-Old Always Wants His Parents To Stop Yelling At Each Other | 12 Aug 11, 19:06 | 110 | 33 |
| 141. | Nation's Students To Give American Education System Yet Another Chance | 18 Aug 11, 18:39 | 109 | 16 |
| 142. | Report: Apocalypse Actually Happened 3 Years Ago | 19 Aug 11, 08:05 | 109 | 6 |
| 143. | High Unemployment Linked To Increasing Number Of Face Tattoos | 1 Dec 11, 10:03 | 108 | 21 |
| 144. | Democrats, Republicans Celebrate Pitiful Excuse For Common Ground | 2 Aug 11, 01:56 | 104 | 17 |
| 145. | Penn State Players All Worried They're Going To Be The One Who Accidentally Kills Joe Paterno | 13 Aug 11, 05:42 | 98 | 2 |
| 146. | Chrysler Introduces New Midsized Sedan For In-Home Use. | 4 May 11, 22:04 | 96 | 1 |
| 147. | Cain's 9-9-9 Plan Would Cost Average Americans More | 18 Oct 11, 17:35 | 88 | 8 |
| 148. | Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think | 25 Nov 11, 12:16 | 73 | 2 |
| 149. | Older Hispanic Men Line Up Excitedly For 'Breaking Dawn' Premiere | 29 Nov 11, 09:32 | 70 | 2 |
| 150. | Man To Sail Around World To Decrease Awareness Of Important Issues | 16 Nov 11, 08:29 | 67 | 9 |
